Heading south

I'm heading to AZ in a couple of days to spend some time with family. I'm anxious to do that and yet, I'm also nervous. Nervous to the point where if something came up that prevented me from going, I think I wouldn’t even be sad.

I know that I spend so much time in this house alone - communicating only through the typed word that it is hard for me to get out among actual people. In my work, I have people who every day tell me "thanks", "fantastic", "you rock". In my real life, I rarely hear that so I feel totally inadequate around others - I just want to blend into the background. I'm moving further and further into the background and spend more and more time thinking about the things that I should do to help people less fortunate than myself but too afraid to actually put any of my ideas into action. I feel myself slipping back into the person I was in my early married years, the person who would cross the street if I saw someone coming down the sidewalk who might talk to me. It is getting more and more difficult to get out even to go to church – once a week, I run to the post office and go to the grocery store to pick up the needed supplies for the next week then I rush back to the safety of my home.

We've moved so far away from family that it is hard to feel close to people you only see once a year or even less frequently. And we only see them if we make the trip to see them since other than my mom and kids - no one has been to my house since the reunion in 2003. None of the family has come up here – we’ve even offered to purchase airline tickets for some of JW’s family to get them up here to go hunting with him but they won’t do it. Even JW’s nephew who recently moved a few hours north of here didn’t stop by to say hi or even e-mail us to let us know where he is. Really make a person feel unwanted

True, I have a brother who lives only a little more than 30 miles from me but I never see him unless I my Mom is here and then he feels obligated to spend time with her so I see my brother and his family by default. I've heard how miserable JW has made his life by going to work at the same place he worked – I think if JW had chosen to remain as a mechanic and not climb the management ladder there probably wouldn’t be any conflict there but who knows. There would probably be something else to drive a wedge between us – I never know exactly what causes the conflicts because despite repeated requests for information in the past, I’m never given any information. Since I don't know what I have done wrong how can I be expected to change.

I have a sister-in-law that I am afraid to try to get close to again - she has hurt me too many times in the past and I'm just not going to set myself up for further hurt. Sad but true. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen each of them in the past 2 ½ - 3 years.

I know that I've made a lot of mistakes in my life - things I can repent of but things I can't really change. I have 2 children whom I love dearly but I wanted at least 6 children – I wanted big family gatherings filled with love because that is what I grew up with. But instead we have a very small family currently scattered from one coast to the other so I really cannot even remember the last time we were all together without any extended family around.

And yes, I am having a big pity party for myself today and you are all invited.