I'm heading to AZ in a couple of days to spend some time with family. I'm anxious to do that and yet, I'm also nervous. Nervous to the point where if something came up that prevented me from going, I think I wouldn’t even be sad.
I know that I spend so much time in this house alone - communicating only through the typed word that it is hard for me to get out among actual people. In my work, I have people who every day tell me "thanks", "fantastic", "you rock". In my real life, I rarely hear that so I feel totally inadequate around others - I just want to blend into the background. I'm moving further and further into the background and spend more and more time thinking about the things that I should do to help people less fortunate than myself but too afraid to actually put any of my ideas into action. I feel myself slipping back into the person I was in my early married years, the person who would cross the street if I saw someone coming down the sidewalk who might talk to me. It is getting more and more difficult to get out even to go to church – once a week, I run to the post office and go to the grocery store to pick up the needed supplies for the next week then I rush back to the safety of my home.
We've moved so far away from family that it is hard to feel close to people you only see once a year or even less frequently. And we only see them if we make the trip to see them since other than my mom and kids - no one has been to my house since the reunion in 2003. None of the family has come up here – we’ve even offered to purchase airline tickets for some of JW’s family to get them up here to go hunting with him but they won’t do it. Even JW’s nephew who recently moved a few hours north of here didn’t stop by to say hi or even e-mail us to let us know where he is. Really make a person feel unwanted
True, I have a brother who lives only a little more than 30 miles from me but I never see him unless I my Mom is here and then he feels obligated to spend time with her so I see my brother and his family by default. I've heard how miserable JW has made his life by going to work at the same place he worked – I think if JW had chosen to remain as a mechanic and not climb the management ladder there probably wouldn’t be any conflict there but who knows. There would probably be something else to drive a wedge between us – I never know exactly what causes the conflicts because despite repeated requests for information in the past, I’m never given any information. Since I don't know what I have done wrong how can I be expected to change.
I have a sister-in-law that I am afraid to try to get close to again - she has hurt me too many times in the past and I'm just not going to set myself up for further hurt. Sad but true. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen each of them in the past 2 ½ - 3 years.
I know that I've made a lot of mistakes in my life - things I can repent of but things I can't really change. I have 2 children whom I love dearly but I wanted at least 6 children – I wanted big family gatherings filled with love because that is what I grew up with. But instead we have a very small family currently scattered from one coast to the other so I really cannot even remember the last time we were all together without any extended family around.
And yes, I am having a big pity party for myself today and you are all invited.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
6 weird things
THE RULES: Each player of this game starts with the '6 weird things about you.' People who get tagged need to write a blog post of their own 6 weird things as well as state these rules clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says 'you are tagged' in their comments and tell them to read your blog. I'm not so sure what the definition of weird is so here goes:
Okay so Alexshuman tagged me - so she must think there are 6 weird things about me although offhand the only 2 I can think of are my kids ;-)
1. I see everyone has mentioned sleeping in socks or going to bed with socks on and then kicking them off - hmmm - what's up with that - I would go barefoot all the time if I could - it was 25 degrees outside this morning and I went out to take down the bird feeder that the wind was trying to blow off the tree. And once when there were several inches of snow on the ground, I went out barefoot to talk to a neighbor - about 15 minutes later her husband said, "you don't have shoes on". I cannot stand to wear shoes without socks but I would never think of wearing socks to bed at all - my toes are claustrophobic so even on the coldest nights, the feet have to be sticking out from under the covers.
2. For the most part, I cannot stand to be in my pajamas unless I am in bed. The first thing I do when I crawl out of bed in the morning is get dressed. My co-workers are always teasing me about going to work in my pajamas.
3. I have absolutely no one that I would really call a friend. I have acquaintances but I think of a friend as someone you would share your most inner thoughts with - secrets you wouldn't tell anyone but a true friend. There has never in my whole life been anyone and I definitely mean anyone that I would tell everything to.
4. I love moving. The thought of packing up all my stuff and going to a different place or home to live is exhilarating to me.
5. I thrive on crisis at work. When we have a client who upgrades software and it totally messes things up, I get very excited at the prospect of spending hours on their machine trying to figure out what happened and how to correct the problem. The more problems they have, the more exciting for me.
6. I constantly make lists - lists of things that I need to do today, lists of things to do tomorrow, lists of things that need to be done in each room, lists of food I need to buy in the future, lists of how many cans of beans, peas, corn etc are in my pantry. The more time I spend alone, the more lists I make. I'm alone here for the next 2 days so I'm currently working on 3 lists - what I need to do before I leave, what I need to do while I'm in Colorado this weekend and what needs done when I get back. Send me more paper.
Well - I don't know who to tag because I think everyone has already been tagged. I only have 12 blogs on my list of people and that includes me so think I've run out of people to choose.
Okay so Alexshuman tagged me - so she must think there are 6 weird things about me although offhand the only 2 I can think of are my kids ;-)
1. I see everyone has mentioned sleeping in socks or going to bed with socks on and then kicking them off - hmmm - what's up with that - I would go barefoot all the time if I could - it was 25 degrees outside this morning and I went out to take down the bird feeder that the wind was trying to blow off the tree. And once when there were several inches of snow on the ground, I went out barefoot to talk to a neighbor - about 15 minutes later her husband said, "you don't have shoes on". I cannot stand to wear shoes without socks but I would never think of wearing socks to bed at all - my toes are claustrophobic so even on the coldest nights, the feet have to be sticking out from under the covers.
2. For the most part, I cannot stand to be in my pajamas unless I am in bed. The first thing I do when I crawl out of bed in the morning is get dressed. My co-workers are always teasing me about going to work in my pajamas.
3. I have absolutely no one that I would really call a friend. I have acquaintances but I think of a friend as someone you would share your most inner thoughts with - secrets you wouldn't tell anyone but a true friend. There has never in my whole life been anyone and I definitely mean anyone that I would tell everything to.
4. I love moving. The thought of packing up all my stuff and going to a different place or home to live is exhilarating to me.
5. I thrive on crisis at work. When we have a client who upgrades software and it totally messes things up, I get very excited at the prospect of spending hours on their machine trying to figure out what happened and how to correct the problem. The more problems they have, the more exciting for me.
6. I constantly make lists - lists of things that I need to do today, lists of things to do tomorrow, lists of things that need to be done in each room, lists of food I need to buy in the future, lists of how many cans of beans, peas, corn etc are in my pantry. The more time I spend alone, the more lists I make. I'm alone here for the next 2 days so I'm currently working on 3 lists - what I need to do before I leave, what I need to do while I'm in Colorado this weekend and what needs done when I get back. Send me more paper.
Well - I don't know who to tag because I think everyone has already been tagged. I only have 12 blogs on my list of people and that includes me so think I've run out of people to choose.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Geneaology - John's Mother - finally found
Woo hoo!!! I finally found a birth certificate for John's mother. Not for the wonderful woman who raised him - (although I do have that one too) but for his birth mother. I had been looking and looking for her so I can get her temple work done - but to no avail.
A family book that J's aunt gave me showed his mother's name as Lydia Ann. I had never heard her called Lydia - only Ann. I have been to her gravesite - it's right there in the Coolidge cemetary along with all her other family members so I know she died in 1956 but couldn't get anyone to tell me when she was born. No one wants to talk about her at all. The name on her grave is Ann VH - and the date 1956 - nothing more.
One of J's 2nd cousins gave me this link:
http://genealogy.az.gov/
It is great - any birth can be recorded after 75 years and any death after 50. On this web site, I found the birth certificate for my father and all his siblings. The death certificates for 3 of my great-grandparents on the Carter side and many other relatives. It's neat to see these actual documents and so easy to save a copy of them.
But no matter how hard I looked, I hadn't been able to find J's mother. We are planning to do the temple work for his Mom in January so I felt I had to find this information so I could have his Mother's done at the same time. I was beginning to think maybe she had been born before the family moved to AZ. Finally a few days ago, while looking just for last name of VH in all of AZ, I found it - it doesn't have her first name as Lydia - nor does it have it written as Ann (which is why Alexshuman has that middle name). Instead there it is - Annie, born Nov 7, 1920.
So, it's a start but now I have lots more work to do to find the rest of the family.
A family book that J's aunt gave me showed his mother's name as Lydia Ann. I had never heard her called Lydia - only Ann. I have been to her gravesite - it's right there in the Coolidge cemetary along with all her other family members so I know she died in 1956 but couldn't get anyone to tell me when she was born. No one wants to talk about her at all. The name on her grave is Ann VH - and the date 1956 - nothing more.
One of J's 2nd cousins gave me this link:
http://genealogy.az.gov/
It is great - any birth can be recorded after 75 years and any death after 50. On this web site, I found the birth certificate for my father and all his siblings. The death certificates for 3 of my great-grandparents on the Carter side and many other relatives. It's neat to see these actual documents and so easy to save a copy of them.
But no matter how hard I looked, I hadn't been able to find J's mother. We are planning to do the temple work for his Mom in January so I felt I had to find this information so I could have his Mother's done at the same time. I was beginning to think maybe she had been born before the family moved to AZ. Finally a few days ago, while looking just for last name of VH in all of AZ, I found it - it doesn't have her first name as Lydia - nor does it have it written as Ann (which is why Alexshuman has that middle name). Instead there it is - Annie, born Nov 7, 1920.
So, it's a start but now I have lots more work to do to find the rest of the family.
Monday, October 02, 2006
WALMART -- NOT FOR ME ANYMORE
A couple of weeks ago, I went into Walmart (a task I always dread because it's such a horrid place to spend time on a Saturday afternoon). Seems we always stop there to do our big grocery shopping. When I went up to the check out, I waited in line for 20 minutes and then asked the clerk why they didn't open more registers. She informed me it was because they haven't been able to hire more people to work - she stated, "they are too lazy to work".
The more I learn about Walmart, the more I think maybe people are "too smart to work there". This morning, on the news, they said that Walmart wants a "cheaper" labor force. From everything I understand, they are hardly paying them anything now and are very stingy with benefits - maybe that's why they are lowering their prescription prices - so their employees can afford them.
They want people to work part time, any time of day or night and for peanuts.
Well, as for me, I've made my last visit to Walmart. I can find better places to spend my money.
The more I learn about Walmart, the more I think maybe people are "too smart to work there". This morning, on the news, they said that Walmart wants a "cheaper" labor force. From everything I understand, they are hardly paying them anything now and are very stingy with benefits - maybe that's why they are lowering their prescription prices - so their employees can afford them.
They want people to work part time, any time of day or night and for peanuts.
Well, as for me, I've made my last visit to Walmart. I can find better places to spend my money.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Gratitude and a bad day...
Okay- so yesterday J went off elk hunting with his boss and since I had the whole day to myself, decided I would go into the big city and look at a piano. So I drove into town (well, got as far as the post office then remembered I should take my Jo-Ann's coupon since I needed 7 yards of fabric to back a quilt and at 40% off, it would be a lot cheaper so I turned around and drove the 4 miles back home and headed out again).
I went to Office Max, Home Depot, Big Bear sports, michaels, costco, scheel's, jo-ann's and then to the piano store. Alas, they were closed as they had gone to Vegas for the weekend. So I went to Albertson's got a few groceries that somehow added up to $177 for a few measly bags and absolutely no meat. Then I stopped at Wendy's to grab a hamburger, extra pickles, no fries no soda as I had a bottle of water. Glanced at my watch and saw I could be home by 1:00.
Started driving home and realized that my cell phone was not with me. I had just stuck my debit card in my pocket all day and had just been carrying my phone in my hand.
So what to do. I went back to Albertson's - "No, no one had turned it in." Back to Jo-Ann's - same answer. Back to Scheels, Costco, and Michaels - no one had turned it in. I knew I had it when I came out of Big Bear so thought it was totally gone.
Now, it was 1:30 - I decided I would drive home and call Alltel to report it missing. An hour and a half of my life wasted and I was really down in the dumps. I had had a bit of a nagging feeling that I should call my cell phone to see if anyone answered but figured clerks in the stores would be too busy and I had set the ringer to meeting anyway so it just rings really low and vibrates. Since I had driven to town through Red Lodge, I decided to go ahead and stay on the interstate and go home the other way.a Get's boring driving back and forth.
I got to Columbus about 2:15 and as I went by my Alltel store, I saw they were open. I went in and asked the girl if she could call my cell phone while I went out to my truck thinking maybe it's in here in these packages somewhere and I just haven't found it. Nope - I couldn't hear it ringing.
I went back into the store and told her I needed a replacement phone and showed her which one. She told me I would have to pay full price for it which was way too much but I wanted the same phone. I told her I don't use it very often and she said that if I found my other phone and the new one had less than 20 minutes, she would buy it back from me for full price. Okay - so she wrote down my old ESN and got the new phone up and running and set up my voice messaging.
She handed me the phone and went off to ring up the bill. Immeditely it popped up saying I had a message. It was from my mom - "call me - some guy said he has your phone". So, I called her and she gave me the phone number and I called back. A guy named Kevin had found my phone in the parking lot outside Jo-Ann's and had been calling a few people to see if he could find the owner. I called and his wife answered. She said they would meet me at the Holiday Station in Billings. I handed the phone back to the clerk who rang up a debit on my card and turned back on my old phone. Then I jumped in the truck and headed the 45 miles back to town.
When I got to the station, and saw all of the vehicles, I realized I should have asked what Kevin would be driving. But as I turned in, a young man in pretty old clothes, driving an old beater pickup, jumped out waving my phone. I asked him what I owed him and he said, "Nothing. It's what I would want someone to do if this happened to me." I thank him profusely and insisted he take the small amount of cash that I had in my pocket. It wasn't a lot but at least something for his trouble. I thanked him again and then headed back home, this time driving through Red Lodge and finally got home about 5.
I unloaded the vehicle and came down and sat for a few minutes thinking about how grateful I was to have my phone (Mainly I didn't want to lose the two little video clips of Jules I have on it) and how Heavenly Father continues to shower me with blessings even though I am not always doing what I should be doing. And I thought of the honesty of that young man and the efforts he put forth to return it.
Sometimes, I get a little put out because I've done something for someone and they don't even bother to say thanks. That is not my sole reason for doing things. I enjoy doing things for people - hearing thank you from them is a bonus to the good feeling I have for being able to do a particular thing. It shouldn't be my ulterior motive and I shouldn't stop doing things for people just because "The last time I did such and such for that person, they didn't even bother to say "THANK YOU". Then I think of all the things my Heavenly Father and my Savior have done for me and I am ashamed that I don't spend more time on my knees pouring out gratitude for those blessings. If they quit doing things for me because I failed to express gratitude, I am not sure where I would be today.
I went to Office Max, Home Depot, Big Bear sports, michaels, costco, scheel's, jo-ann's and then to the piano store. Alas, they were closed as they had gone to Vegas for the weekend. So I went to Albertson's got a few groceries that somehow added up to $177 for a few measly bags and absolutely no meat. Then I stopped at Wendy's to grab a hamburger, extra pickles, no fries no soda as I had a bottle of water. Glanced at my watch and saw I could be home by 1:00.
Started driving home and realized that my cell phone was not with me. I had just stuck my debit card in my pocket all day and had just been carrying my phone in my hand.
So what to do. I went back to Albertson's - "No, no one had turned it in." Back to Jo-Ann's - same answer. Back to Scheels, Costco, and Michaels - no one had turned it in. I knew I had it when I came out of Big Bear so thought it was totally gone.
Now, it was 1:30 - I decided I would drive home and call Alltel to report it missing. An hour and a half of my life wasted and I was really down in the dumps. I had had a bit of a nagging feeling that I should call my cell phone to see if anyone answered but figured clerks in the stores would be too busy and I had set the ringer to meeting anyway so it just rings really low and vibrates. Since I had driven to town through Red Lodge, I decided to go ahead and stay on the interstate and go home the other way.a Get's boring driving back and forth.
I got to Columbus about 2:15 and as I went by my Alltel store, I saw they were open. I went in and asked the girl if she could call my cell phone while I went out to my truck thinking maybe it's in here in these packages somewhere and I just haven't found it. Nope - I couldn't hear it ringing.
I went back into the store and told her I needed a replacement phone and showed her which one. She told me I would have to pay full price for it which was way too much but I wanted the same phone. I told her I don't use it very often and she said that if I found my other phone and the new one had less than 20 minutes, she would buy it back from me for full price. Okay - so she wrote down my old ESN and got the new phone up and running and set up my voice messaging.
She handed me the phone and went off to ring up the bill. Immeditely it popped up saying I had a message. It was from my mom - "call me - some guy said he has your phone". So, I called her and she gave me the phone number and I called back. A guy named Kevin had found my phone in the parking lot outside Jo-Ann's and had been calling a few people to see if he could find the owner. I called and his wife answered. She said they would meet me at the Holiday Station in Billings. I handed the phone back to the clerk who rang up a debit on my card and turned back on my old phone. Then I jumped in the truck and headed the 45 miles back to town.
When I got to the station, and saw all of the vehicles, I realized I should have asked what Kevin would be driving. But as I turned in, a young man in pretty old clothes, driving an old beater pickup, jumped out waving my phone. I asked him what I owed him and he said, "Nothing. It's what I would want someone to do if this happened to me." I thank him profusely and insisted he take the small amount of cash that I had in my pocket. It wasn't a lot but at least something for his trouble. I thanked him again and then headed back home, this time driving through Red Lodge and finally got home about 5.
I unloaded the vehicle and came down and sat for a few minutes thinking about how grateful I was to have my phone (Mainly I didn't want to lose the two little video clips of Jules I have on it) and how Heavenly Father continues to shower me with blessings even though I am not always doing what I should be doing. And I thought of the honesty of that young man and the efforts he put forth to return it.
Sometimes, I get a little put out because I've done something for someone and they don't even bother to say thanks. That is not my sole reason for doing things. I enjoy doing things for people - hearing thank you from them is a bonus to the good feeling I have for being able to do a particular thing. It shouldn't be my ulterior motive and I shouldn't stop doing things for people just because "The last time I did such and such for that person, they didn't even bother to say "THANK YOU". Then I think of all the things my Heavenly Father and my Savior have done for me and I am ashamed that I don't spend more time on my knees pouring out gratitude for those blessings. If they quit doing things for me because I failed to express gratitude, I am not sure where I would be today.
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